If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.